
I had gone to the GP early in the morning with abdominal pain, which was quickly dismissed as indigestion. I was told to go home, rest and relax. Hours later, at the hospital, I was diagnosed with severe HELLP syndrome, a life-threatening pregnancy complication. We were informed that the only way to stop the progression of the fatal syndrome was to deliver our baby via emergency caesarean. After receiving the diagnosis, everything became a hazy blur of IV lines, injections and tubes. I clearly remember thinking, as they rushed my son out of the operating theatre to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, this isn’t how it was supposed to happen.
Everyday, I have relived this memory, over and over in my mind. I try to picture every detail, as if I am searching for some kind of clue that will make sense of it all.
The birth of my baby left me feeling overwhelmed with grief and guilt. I was mourning the abrupt ending to my pregnancy and the loss of a natural birth experience. I was ashamed that I had been unable to safety carry and deliver my baby. I felt that in my first acts of motherhood, I had failed.
When confronted with my feelings about the birth, friends and family, even health professionals, would assure me that all that mattered was that my baby was alive and well. They believed that I should simply feel grateful that my son was receiving the care he needed and that he would soon be coming home. They thought they were reassuring me but, in essence, what they had done was silence me, and told me that my feelings were invalid.
My experience and my feelings about my birth are not unique. I am just one of millions of women around the world who have negative or traumatic births. And the idea that ‘all that matters is a healthy baby’ is a sentiment I see echoed in responses to media stories about difficult births. When instagram influencer Revie Jane opened up about her birth experience and her problem with the medical term ‘failure to progress’, it was met with a barrage of negative comments that implied that the only emotion a woman is entitled to feel about her birth experience is gratitude.
One comment read, “Seriously, you and your child made it through labour alive and healthy and you are getting hung up on the words?!?”.
But what if, during your birth experience, you felt out of control, scared, or unheard? What if you feared for your life or the life of your child? Why should someone feel grateful for an experience that they felt was disappointing or traumatic?
Traumatic childbirth occurs in as many as 25 – 34 per cent of all births, according to PATTCH (Prevention and Treatment of Traumatic Childbirth). A 2017 Australian study undertaken by Safe Motherhood For All Inc, found that only 58 per cent of the women surveyed had the birth experience they wanted. The study found that the majority of women felt their childbirth experience had an impact on their self-image and their ability to form and maintain relationships with their babies and partners. These findings refute the idea that birth is only one day in a woman’s life, but rather, indicates that how a woman feels about her birth experience can have a profound impact on her for the rest of her life.
It goes without saying that, of course, I am unbelievably grateful to have a healthy child. But that does not mean that I cannot also feel sadness and disappointment about my birth experience. When you say ‘all that matters is that your baby is healthy’ you are perpetuating a culture that is silencing women who are hurting. A culture that says, it does not matter what level of trauma goes on behind the closed doors of the birthing suite, as long as everyone comes out alive.
Women who are healing from a negative or traumatic birth experience need to be able to acknowledge and accept their feelings about the birth. They need validation that their emotions are understandable and that it is only natural to experience distress after such an experience.
It has been over 12 months since the birth of my child and I am still hurting from those wounds. But it has been through support groups and listening to other women’s stories that I have finally been able to embrace how I feel. I have final given myself permission to grieve and in doing so I have taken the first steps to heal.
So please stop saying ‘all that matters is that you have a healthy baby’. Because I matter. Because my birth matters.

This article is absolutely right. A healthy baby does not mean it’s okay for the birth mother to be suffering mentally/physically.
And let’s face it if men has these same issues as a result of a traumatic birth more would be done about it.
Well done to the author x
Hi Sam, thank you so much for commenting! I am so glad that you enjoyed reading it. x
I’d love to know what you would have wanted those people to say to you. By saying ‘all that matters is that you have a healthy baby’ those people were trying to put things into perspective for you and let you know you hadn’t failed. I’m so sorry that you were robbed of the labor experience you wanted and the 38 week selfie I’m sure you were waiting on but still ended up with a healthy baby. I was told today at 13 weeks pregnant that my baby has less than a 10% chance at survival which was generous. I’d give anything to be in your position and to have a ‘healthy baby’. At the end of the day, you really did get the only thing that should matter. If you had gone through a loss (which I wish on no one), you might be less worried about the experience and more appreciative of the outcome.
I agree. Just lost my baby at 12 weeks. I would give anything in the world to have a healthy baby.
An outstanding share! I have just forwarded this onto a coworker who was conducting a little homework on this.
And he actually ordered me breakfast due to the fact that I discovered it for
him… lol. So let me reword this…. Thank YOU for the meal!!
But yeah, thanks for spending some time to discuss this matter here
on your internet site.
I totally agree with you and I can totally relate. I was also preparing for a nice, natural birth, practiced hypnobirthing meditation, took birthing and parental course together with my husband…
And this is how we ended up: light abdominal pain in the morning on 31+1 pregnancy week, diagnosed with short cervix at the hospital and started getting tocolysis to stop the birth… after hours without pain my water just broke without any warning sign or contraction and needed an emergency c-section without my husband because I just sent him home to rest as I was pain free and he was sitting next to my bed the whole day.
And then came 8 weeks at Neo, constantly beeping monitors, rushing in nurses to stimulate my baby when heart rate and oxygen level dropped, God knows how many roommates because it seemed everyone else left before us, six months of pumping instead of breastfeeding (she did not learn it even after we came home from the hospital).
And yes, I am also grateful that I have a healthy baby but it takes time (and a lot of crying out) to digest and accept what has happened. And not only from our side as Moms but also for Dads. My husband never says it out loud but he is always really worried when our daughter is not eating as much as usual e.g. when she is sick. This is totally normal but the memory of a machine fed, 1,6 kg baby is always in front of our eyes…
I am currently at 31+5 pregnancy week with our second child, has already been hospitalized twice with shortened cervix and early contractions and I am on total bed rest since 6 weeks. I am really wishing to reach week 32 (after that health risks for the child drops dramatically)… and after that every day is a gift 🙂
I feel strong and I am ready to do everything again what I did for my first baby. It would just be nice to hold my baby in my hands right after birth and experience this golden hour 🙂 So keep your fingers crossed 🙂
Judit
Hi Judit, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry to hear about what you endured. I can really relate to so much of what you said! The roommates coming and going, the pumping and difficulty breastfeeding, wishing you could hold your baby immediately after the birth. I have such similar feelings!
I am thinking of you and sending you love and positive thoughts for bub number 2! I would absolutely love to hear how you and bub are progressing.
Love Phoebe
Yes! Thank you for sharing your story. I hate it when people say that phrase, bc how Mama’s feel IS super important! And grieving is allowed!! Sending you all the feels!!!
Thank you so much for those kind words Kathleen!
Wonderfully written. Thank you ❤️
Thank you so much Devon x
I had a traumatic birth. I was hemorrhaging, they couldn’t make it stop. So I had an emergency csection. I’m actually very confused because every negative feeling I ever had during pregnancy just disappeared the first time I held my baby. Nothing else mattered. I didn’t spend my entire pregnancy planning on a natural birth with no complications. I planned on a healthy baby, and never even thought about how I would get him, and didn’t care. Since the second I conceived every sharp pain, every discomfort, every feeling I had was “is my baby okay?” It’s all I cared about…he’s 2 now and Its still I care about. Natural birth isn’t an achievement. Saving the lives of a pre mature baby and their mother via emergency csection…that’s an achievement.
While I’m glad you have a positive perspective on your birth experience, your comment is exactly what the author is talking about.
When birth doesn’t happen the way we’d hoped or planned, it CAN be DEVASTATING. It may not be for each person it happens to, but just like anything else that is hard (car accident, losing a job, etc), it can be traumatic. Trying to “make it better” or tell them they are wrong for feeling traumatized isn’t helpful or respectful of their experience. It tells them that how they feel isn’t real/isn’t valid. That’s not true. It is VERY real and VERY valid. It’s quite abrasive to compare your birth story to hers (or another woman with a traumatic experience).
Unlike most other medical procedures, birth is a very natural and normal process. Most births can and should be natural – God designed it that way – It is healthy for both for mom AND baby. Don’t discount mom in that equation. They are intended to work together and when mom’s part isn’t fulfilled or belittled, it’s ok for her to feel loss about that. Medical intervention is in place INCASE something goes wrong, not for doctors (or anyone else) to do what they want. …. in her case (and yours), it was necessary. It’s ok to mourn that.
What she was trying to say is that it’s better to gather yourself and move on from trauma than let it define you. Yes, it can be traumatic giving birth but to ever be “disappointed” that it wasn’t exactly as “planned” is immature to say the least. There’s no such thing as a plan, anyone who thinks they have one is a fool. There are certain aspects you can absolutely request such as delayed cord clamping etc., but you can’t actually expect a medical professional to follow your plan instead of their own – they birth babies all day everyday and know way more than you do.
You’re a mother after giving birth, it’s not OK to dwell on things like how your child was brought into the world. No one wants to hear you complain. To “mourn” a change in course is a waste of time and energy and a very negative reaction to a completely necessary process. Acknowledge that you have negative feelings about it, acknowledge how immature and silly that is and move on from it. That should be the process not this “feel bad for me, I didn’t get exactly what I want” stuff. Poor you, her child survived unlike many other people whose children did not. This comment is disrespectful to those they experienced actual trauma.
Oh my goodness. I am shocked by this reply. As someone who has grieved the outcome of her birth and has severe PPA and PTSD from birth. I am utterly shocked that anyone could say this to a grieving person. Everyone experiences pain differently. Everyone feels different emotions in different situations.
I ended up with a healthy baby. Thank the lord. But my health both mental, physical and spiritual has severely declined since.
I cannot understand why you would write this. It seems hateful. We should try to be more understanding of one another’s pain. After all it is what makes us human.
I resonate with much of this article and find comfort in knowing I am not alone. I had an emergency cesarean and have been trying to fill in the gaps of those two hours of my life where I lost all control over a pregnancy and child I was trying so hard to care for. I want so desperately to reclaim those two hours. Am I thankful; yes indeed, but very much wounded and traumatized from my birth experience. Thank you for your words.
Hi katie, thank you so much for your comment and kind words. Sharing such a personal experience made me feel very vulnerable, but to hear that it resonates with other women like yourself makes me feel very proud for writing about it. It is so important that we connect with other mums who have been through similar experiences so that we know that we are not alone. xx
Obviously dealing with a life threatening illness and not carrying to full term is traumatic for any pregnant woman. Then on top of that having your baby stay in nicu instead of being able to take them home and bond with them is devastating. Anyone with an ounce of empathy should not dismiss your feelings on this. But you should not feel like a failure or allow yourself to wallow in self pity over something you had so little control over. You made the best medical decision for you and your baby. Is it the magical birth experience you wanted… no of course it isn’t. But there is no wrong way to give birth so cut yourself some slack and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about your experience, especially yourself.
I currently carrying my second after 14 years because of the exact feeling not being able to bond with her during the golden hour and feeling like my body failed her , made me refrain from having another but this post of your experience gives me even more hope makes me feel like I’m not alone, and that I can do this . I also put it in God’s hands asked him to take that feeling away from me and allow my heart to live and enjoy this pregnacy. It has also helped me to understand that not all of them are the same my mind is at ease for my son’s safe arrival .
Thank you ladies so much I needed you all!
Hi Amishi,
Thank you so much for your comment. Your have brought tears to my eyes! It is a wonderful feeling to be able to connect with other women who can relate to feeling this way.
Congratulations on the upcoming arrival of your next baby! I am so happy for you!
Love Phoebe
Our stories sound very similar to a point. In November of 2012, I too was diagnosed with severe HELLP at 28 weeks and had to give birth to my son via emergency c-section and I almost died from a ruptured liver. We differ in the outcome as after 25 days in the NICU my son passed away from complications of being a premie.
While yes, I was sad my birth didn’t go as I expected I can tell you I wish more than anything in the world I just had a heathy baby. Having my son here with me instead of visiting his gravesite is a dream that will never come true.
I’m not trying to negate your feelings of how your pregnancy and birth unfolded. I feel everyone has the right to voice their sadness and grieve the pregnancy/delivery they dreamed of. Although, I would say to not take the words “all that matters is having a healthy baby” so hurtfully. Those doctors and nurses have seen parents lose their babies. They have been the ones to comfort and support those loss parents. We had 2 doctors, 5 nurses and a respiratory therapist attend our son’s funeral. Thy sat with me for over 24 hours after my son died to help comfort me. They know the hurt and pain we suffer as loss parents. So when they say a healthy baby is all that matters, I’m sure they meant it from a different place.
If others say it as well just know… there is some truth to it. I would give anything, the whole traumatic birth experience all over again, if it meant my son would be here with me today.
Ciara, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. From the bottom of my heart, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
And thank you for your kindly worded comment and for giving me a different perspective.
Love Phoebe
Hi Christian,
Thank you for your comment and for sharing this link!
Love Phoebe
Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. Reading this provided me reassurance that how I’m feeling is totally normal and I’m not alone. My unborn baby has been diagnosed with a heart defect and will need immediate emergency care and surgery. He isn’t “healthy” and it forever changed my pregnancy/outlook
Strangers have said “all that matters is they are healthy” to me repeatedly when they ask about my growing baby bump. I just smile, but what I want to say “he isn’t healthy, Is that all that matters!?” I’ve told my friends and family to start saying “all that matters is they are loved!” In the end, that is all that matters.
I’m not sure if my original reply posted. Thank you for sharing your experience and words. I’ve had a difficult pregnancy with an “unhealthy” baby. I cringe when people say “all that matters is they are healthy”. My unborn baby has a heart defect, which requires immediate life saving surgery. Random strangers do not know he isn’t “healthy” and how much this comment hurts me to hear. All that matters is they are loved!
I’m sorry to hear of your experience and glad everything turned out ok. Thank you so much for sharing.
Hi Megan,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through at the moment. My heart goes out to you and your baby. I am thinking of you and sending you my love.
Love Phoebe x
Although I can have great appreciation for your perspective and take back. Women must speak up and effect change to experiences that are so intimate to us and have a say or be bestowed the kindness and human connect called for.
But, the comment regarding the baby being healthy is all that matters stems from the countless mothers who walk away with a dead baby.
My baby died. I’d take your traumatic experience over mine any day. I don’t intend to hurt you in any way. But there is a silver lining in your hurt, pain & struggle.
Thank you very much for your comment on the article and for sharing your point of view. Words can not do justice to how sorry I am for your loss. I hope from the bottom of my heart that this article did not cause you distress. You are absolutely right when you say that there are silver linings to what I experienced. Thank you again for reaching out.
Love Phoebe
Thank you so much for posting this and to the writer for sharing. I am in the process of dealing with the aftermath of my traumatic birth experience from last month and have found this to be a very difficult thing to express to everyone. This article has articulated the feelings that have overwhelmed me the past six weeks and I am grateful to know I am not alone.
Hi Margaret,
Thank you so much for your comment and your kind words about the article. I am so sorry to hear that you experienced a traumatic birth. Healing takes time so make sure you are gentle and kind to yourself. There are birth trauma support groups online that you might find useful (I know I did). I also went to counselling to help me heal from my experience. Perhaps this is something that you might benefit from too. Please know that you are not alone. I am thinking of you and sending you love.
Love Phoebe
http://www.wearepeculiartreasures.com/my-birth-story-and-dealing-with-disappointments/
Yes! I didn’t have the birth I longed for.. and finally 3 yr later I am finally coming to grips w the whole experience
Hi Rachael, Thank you so much for your comment. I just read your birth story and my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you were not able to have the natural birth experience that you wanted. I can really relate to the feelings that you expressed in your article. Thank you for sharing it with me.
Love Phoebe
Thank you for writing this article. Like you, I was diagnosed with HELLP but at 27 weeks. Our son was born via emergency cesarean. He lived for six days in the NICU before succumbing to a hospital infection. The trauma of his birth, the abrupt end of our pregnancy. Him being whisked away to the NICU in order to save his life. Traumatic. Even before the unthinkable of losing him occurred. More women need to speak up and tell
Their stories. This is a real struggle. Of course healthy babies are the hope, but healthy mama and healthy bond is of utmost importance also.
Hi Melanie, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I have no words to properly convey how sorry I am so hear about your loss. My heart goes out to you. I am sending you love and I hope you are healing from your trauma.
Love Phoebe
I had gone through 20 hours of labor, most of the time my epidural had failed. Within 18 hours of labor my placenta ruptured but my doctor refused the c section, even after the nurses expressed concern with me being too small for natural birth. I pushed for an hour and a half before I was rushed into emergency c section. My daughter came into this world not breathing and had serious trauma to her head. There was and infant code blue called throughout the hospital and my husband, being a police officer, told me he had never been so scared seeing me and my daughter that day. She struggled from trauma in NICU for a little over two weeks. I had to force myself to be strong and “solder” through the pain of surgery to see my daughter at the hospital. I tried so hard to act strong after everything and to be without my first born. It’s been almost 2 months and I’m still trying to come to terms with what happened let alone heal from the surgery. I love my daughter and I had no issue bonding with her after what happened and my postpartum. But I can’t accept what happened nor how I was treated by a few. This article helped me take a step forward. Thank you.
Hi Schyler,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I am so very sorry that happened to you.
Try to be gentle and loving with yourself during your healing journey. What you are feeling is completely understandable considering what you have endured.
I have been going to counselling to help me come to terms with my birth trauma and it has really helped. Perhaps this is something that you might like to consider. There are also birth trauma support groups online that you can join. I found it really helpful to connect with other women who can relate to what you are going through.
Love Phoebe
My baby died at childbirth. So i, unlike you, do believe that all that matters is a healthy baby.
Dee, I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss. I hope that reading this article did not cause you any distress. You are in my thoughts and I am sending you love.
Love Phoebe
I think this is absolutely ridiculous. At you you do have a happy healthy baby! You had a bad experience, so what? I lost my first son and I would do anything in this world to have him back. I don’t care if I had a horrible birth story, at least I’d have my baby. My second birth still didn’t go as planned but I still have my son, and that’s everything to me.
What really needs to change is our unrealistic beliefs about motherhood. Having a child naturally doesn’t somehow make you more of a mother than someone who has a cesarean. If we accepted the different ways motherhood looks and feels, women wouldn’t have to feel ashamed of their personal motherhood. In all fairness we should be shouting from the rooftops for cesareans, they’re literally life saving procedures for both mom and baby, how is that a bad thing?
I agree that at the end of the day, what really matters is having a healthy baby. After losing my son at 31 weeks with a by the book normal delivery the phrase, “All that matters is you have a healthy baby,” would mean the difference between holding my son today instead of watching him slowly fade. But what I think is missing from all of this is the understanding that motherhood looks different for everyone. Both of our experiences left us feeling incomplete, that somehow we missed something on the road to “ideal motherhood.” We need to change what motherhood looks like, so that you and I both have a place to grieve, express, and recover. That phrase that you dislike discredits all the mothers who have babies, but never had the opportunity to say, “All that matters is a healthy baby.” There’s little progress to be made for you, me and every other mother if we don’t appreciate each other’s different paths to motherhood.
Hi Genevieve,
Thank you so much for your insightful comment on the article! I agree that as a society we need to change our view of what an ‘ideal’ birth looks like. I love your sentiment that all forms of birth should be celebrated!
Love Phoebe
While I understand you were traumatized- your baby lived. Mine died. Inside of me. A week after the genetics counselors and doctors guaranteed me a miscarriage from Turners Syndrome. My little Grace had fluid surrounding her heart, brain, and spinal chord. I’m not posting to chastise you for feeling left out of a positive birth experience- please remember, some mothers have babies who were never born. See, because healthy babies do matter, and from what it sounds like, the professionals at the hospital took the measures needed for you and your baby to live. So please, on behalf of the grieving mothers out there who never got to see their baby’s face: cherish your little one and focus on the positive. All the best to you and I hope you find peace from your experience.
Thank you so much for this article- I’m 7 weeks postpartum. We had a traumatic birth, that ended up with being sedated for emergency c-section… being told my baby was not breathing and did not have a heartbeat. They worked on him for a long time, but in the end he survived (which I am grateful). I was not able to hold him for the first 4 days, and when I finally got to hold him – it was overshadowed with grief and guilt. The next 5 days were a roller coaster of emotions (and I still have my ups and downs). I’ve stopped talking to others about my birth experience because I don’t want to hear anymore “he survived and that’s what matters.” It does make me feel silenced, like I’m unthankful or something. I appreciate your perspective.
Hi Rachel, I am so sorry to hear that you experienced a traumatic birth. Please know that you are not alone in feeling this way. It is completely understandable that you feel grief considering what you have endured. Give yourself time and compassion to heal.
There are online birth trauma support groups that you can join that may help. Personally, I found solace in connecting with other women who could relate to my experience. I am a member of the Australasian Birth Trauma Support Group on Facebook which has a very supportive community.
Love Phoebe
While I understand that you were apparently traumatized by your experience, I believe you are quite wrong. Geneticists told me one week before that she wouldn’t make it to term. My daughter died. Inside of me. Like many others, I have been the Momma at the SONO when they say “there is no heartbeat.” I’ve been wheeled into an OR suite crying my eyes out as doctors did what they needed to to ensure that we could “try again.” My daughter had a random chromosomal abnormality with a missing gender chromosome from conception. There is nothing doctors or I could do or have done to prevent it.
See, because healthy babies and healthy mommas matter, honey. The doctors took your child to NICU and saved a life. If they would have let you hold your child right away, that would not have been possible. Please understand I am not here to chastise you. I understand grief takes many forms and you seem to grieve the loss of your perfect birth experience- it’s a whole lot better to have a birth experience than to have the alternative. So please, hug your child and love your child and be thankful to the doctors who made all of your memories and experiences possible. Because there are mothers who never saw their baby’s face, kissed their head, or got to hold them.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your point of view with me. I do not have the words to properly convey how sorry I am for your loss and for what you have endured. I hope that reading this article did not cause you any distress. My heart is with you.
Love Phoebe
I agree with you KDMar. At 26 weeks pregnant I also heard the words : “your baby has no heart beat.” I would give anything to have my daughter whisked away to the NICU but I didn’t have thatchance. So I live with the trauma of the event along with empty womb, empty arms and an empty nursery.
I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting
my own blog and was wondering what all is required to get set up?
I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?
I’m not very web savvy so I’m not 100% sure. Any suggestions or advice
would be greatly appreciated. Appreciate it
Everyone loves it when people get together and share opinions.
Great site, continue the good work!
Hello, just wanted to tell you, I enjoyed this blog post.
It was inspiring. Keep on posting!
Great article, exactly what I needed.
You should take part in a contest for one of
the best blogs on the internet. I’m going to recommend this website!
Looking back almost 40 years I can truly say that my emergency C wasn’t the big deal I thought it was when our son was born. In my personal experience the aspects of his birth really didn’t matter in the long run.
I hope we can all agree that those women who have emergency birth experiences don’t all have to feel guilt and go through a long grieving process. Some will; some won’t. I hope the author and each commenter can support as valid the feelings of those women who don’t feel the same as you do.
I’m thankful you’re speaking out and finding support and giving support. I truly hope that you’ll find emotional and mental healing.
Having read this I believed it was very enlightening.
I appreciate you spending some time and effort to put this
informative article together. I once again find myself spending way too much time both reading and posting comments.
But so what, it was still worth it!
Please let me know if you’re looking for a article
writer for your site. You have some really great posts and I think I would be a good asset.
If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d love to write some
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Please send me an email if interested. Thank you!
Hi Essie, can you send through a link to your website, we would love to check it out x
Hey! I know this is kinda off topic however I’d figured I’d ask.
Would you be interested in exchanging links or maybe guest authoring a blog article or vice-versa?
My website discusses a lot of the same subjects as yours and I feel
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by the way!
HI Elena, what is your website, we would love to check it out x
Wow. Shameless much? How dare you promote a video that features you on a post like this..take a hike lady.
Im sorry you feel your birth wasn’t what you wanted but i don’t understand what you would prefer in your situation? !…this thing about women feeling “less than” for not having natural birth???you need to interrogate that a bit…its really toxic and bizarre, its like rich white women searching for trauma tbh. My baby and i had a traumatic birth where i nearly lost him…but you know…loosing babies is a “natural” thing i was lucky. Of course i felt upset! It was scary but also i was so grateful. We are so privileged to demand births we want, but you can’t control that???maybe we need better post natal care and some perspective . I remember ppl complaining about the food at the Melbourne hospital and i just couldn’t believe it.
First, I’m sorry for what you’ve been through as I’m sure it was hard.
I think you’d have a very different perspective if like many of these women have said, if your child was dead. I would take any amount of trauma associated with birth just short of death and honestly I would trade my life to have my son alive and healthy.
Hi Adrianna,
Thank you very much for taking the time to comment on the article and sharing your perspective. You are absolutely right in saying that I would probably feel very differently if I had lost my son. Like everyone, my perceptions and opinions are shaped by my personal experiences. I am, of course, unbelievably grateful that my son survived. I can not begin to image the pain of losing a child. I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope that this article did not cause you any distress.
Love Phoebe
Oh my goodness! This article truly spoke to me. After the horrendous situation that happened with me and my son, I am still scared to think of having more kids. So many people kept telling me, well at least you have a healthy baby. Well, they don’t know the half of it. I ALMOST DIED! No kidding there. Everything about my birth experience went horribly wrong, and it was all supposed to be scheduled c-section.
Not to mention the struggle it is having a baby in the NICU…
Here’s the thing. After dealing with infertility, I finally got pregnant. We were ecstatic. And then I lost that baby at 8 weeks along and our hearts were broken. People tried to tell me, “well, at least you know you can get pregnant!” I wanted to reply, yeah well you know another way to know that? Actually having a baby.
When we got pregnant again a short time later (I’m currently 19 weeks) I had an extremely difficult several months. I had miserable all day morning sickness, even after I was put on meds (meds because I couldn’t even keep popsicles down). I had someone say to me, “who would have ever thought you’d be grateful for throwing up??!” …… Well here’s the thing, I’m not.
I’m not grateful for how miserable this pregnancy has been. I’m very, very thankful that my baby is still doing well. But I’m not thankful that I’ve had a terrible several months that made it so I couldn’t even enjoy the pregnancy.
Obviously the horrid sickness is better than losing my baby. But that doesn’t mean that I’m thankful for the horrid sickness. It means I’m thankful for my baby, and I’m dealing with the sickness. In these ways, I understand how it is to be so happy that your baby lived, and yet deal with the grief of what you have lost.
Also, what about all of the unhealthy babies born? They matter, too. And no less than the healthy babies. I know that there are people who think it’s just semantics, but when you are dealing with trauma and grief, words make a big difference.
I just had my first child at 26+6 weeks….I needed this. Thank you
Hi Marlana,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I am so glad you found this piece comforting. I know the road feels overwhelming and never ending but hang in there. One day you will look back at this time and it will be a distant memory. I hope you and your little one are doing well. Love Phoebe x
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Thank you so much for writing this. It is so well written, and perfectly captures something that I often have experienced myself but was never able to fully articulate i.e. “perpetuating a culture that is silencing women who are hurting”. These would be the moments where I would attempt to share my feelings or experiences and as you describe would get shutdown by someone telling me that I needed to be grateful. I also had a surprising birth with an emergency c-section. It was 3 years ago but I feel as if I have never had the space to talk about it or process it because with each attempt I am interrupted by someone telling me that I must be forgetting what a beautiful daughter I have, or that I just need to focus on the positive and that I have a healthy and happy child.
Im so glad you decided to share this and I couldn’t agree more.